A silence 1- Caves of the heart 1

A silence

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1.

It was only after the 3rd performace in Masan ended that Inu could have time to be reminded of Helena. And also only after the last one of the 3 annual performances did he realize why she informed her around 10days prior to the day of it her cancellation to take part in the 1st performance she was

scheduled to participate in. By his judgement, it was wholly due to himself that she had to do it. So he begins to blame himself :

Then I was really reckless. Regrettable!

Just judged everything would be going well.

I took only my situation into consideration.

I should have put myself in her place.

Oh, I did wrong judgement regarding the performance fee for her.

I was stingy , and unrealistically suggested the fee to her with no consideration of her postion. Now I feel uneasy about it. Certainly then I was wrong.

Really sorry tor that!

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Regarding Bob, the guitarist, did he blame himself in the same attitude as below:

How foolish I was!

Only by my judgement I did decide it.

Oh, I even insisted that Helena come over here together with Bob,

saying persuasively to her " I know Bob might be very nice for your guitar accompanist.'

Hey, you did it with no considerations of her postion.

At that time you first should have said to yourself about the prate relation between both of them," What relation is now he to her?"

You fool, did you forget that She already had hinted to you that they did not get on well with each other.

You should have realized that she might not have thought well of him.

Ah, you did wrong to Helen then!

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A moment to say about flsmenco. As for what is called El Arte Flamenco, it is made up of three basic components: Cante(song), Baile(dance), and Toque(guitar). The performance on the stage, you know, the process of it goes with singers and dancers performing one by one or together on it, with the guitar accompanying them, in addition to palmas(rhythmic hand clapping). In the early days of flamenco, cantaores( singers) sang without guitar accompaniment.They maintained the best by tapping with a palo( style-stick). only after the spread of Cafes Cantantes(cafe with flamenco performances), the guitar accompaniment has been recruited as an accompanying instrument. Especially in case of baile, guitar accompaniment is essential to it.

Now Inu was sorry for Helena, looking back on the emails from Helen 3 years ago., It was clear that she sincerely wanted to have another performance in Masan . Inu aleady knew well that she had a strong desire to dance in his hometown. So he might be so confident of her coming. and insensitive to where she was at her side. In a word, as he had so simple and optimistic a mind at that moment, the result went wrong like that. His murmuring kept on as below:

Then I suggested to her so small amount of money as the fee.

Although she said it's okay, why didn't you realize it was not real. How could it come up to her expectation?

You were too much stingy!

And also I was stupid regarding Bob.

Of course I know that a lot of people here welcome him because they still remember seeing him to play guitar before in Masan,

Never- the- less , you should have said without hesitation," okay, it's up to you" when she gave you words of hint that she didn't trust Bob any more.

And one more. Regarding Mitui, the Japanese dancer, you did the same mistake. You should willingly have consented to what Helenasuggested, saying" it's good idea.

You fool! When she revealed her personal problems to you , it was just a cause to justify her of uneasiness about the rather unreal amount of the fee.

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After so long a time Inu began to think with remorse that her cancellation of coming to perform in Masan must have been due to his wrong judgement with no consideration of her standpoint.. And also even imagining a probability that she would have doubts in her mind about herself as a flamenco dancer , he said to himself that her unexpectedly sudden decision of performance cancellation must have been in deep reation with such personal problems in her mind. Any way,Iny's mummuring to himself continue:

Sure enough, she began to dance ballet at first as a classical ballerina,

not flamenco as a bailaora!

What is more, she was born in New York an American white, not a gypsy.

Probably the more she was getting absorbed in baile, it must be clear, the more Did she realize in frustration such limitations of her ability as a payo flamenco dancer? did Helena, an intellectual New Yorker, sympathize with the pure ecstatic duende, in a sense, a primitively emotional ｅxpression beyond reason?

Since she understood more and more, by my judgement, the intrinsic attributes of flamenco, so she might psychologically have an inferiority feeling for her non-gypsy dancer in her mind with an obscure uneasiness regarding her future as a bailaora.

What is more, how could she ,an intellectual American, be absorbed in the unconscious condition of what is called duende ?

Probably such a feeling of uneasiness must have been hidden alive in her consciousness. once she told me that she married flamenco, not man , but, I am not sure, she thought that she was destined to be a bailaora( flamenco dancer). What on earth made her give up the ballet which she had been dancing? Did she wonder that her body was unsuitable to ballet dancing? Or, she was too impatient to adapt to the hard process which every balletrina should pass through ? Was she losing confidence on herself for a long while? Perhaps it may be possible!

Or, I am sure, her point of view on flmanco was different from that of gypsy dancer. Possibly she took flamenco dancing , hoping that she would be rich and a well-known dancer. May be or not, she didn't accept the flamenco dancing as her destiny , for she was not an Andanlusian dancer.

Yes, it may be very natural because she was a modern American,

not a traditional Andalusian gypsy dancer.Then would she not have sensed that this real stage of our life was not easy to deal with ? It was probabaly impossible for her to sense the point well.

probably she would be getting more and more nervious that she stayed so and so a dancer whose real worth this world didn't appreciate!

When she gave up ballet and took flamenco dance, I am sure, she might have not realized that flamenco was different from ballet in nature. As one of the differences between the two, it is well known that 'ballet is upward: flamenco is downward'.) As she was a modern American whose way of thinking she was self-centered based on the reason of Descartes, for sure, she could not sympathesize with the Andalusian gupsy world of duende, flamenco world beyond the level of reason!

In short, for a rather long time she would be skeptical of herself as a flamenco dancer, so as a result she would sure be trying to get away from the the world of flamenco!

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Anyway, 3 years or more have passed since Helen informed Inu of her cancellation of it. At this point of time he happened to retrospect on the long good relationship he had shared with her and he thought He should not be indifferent to the long silence between them any more as if it were nothing.

One day after ending his role for the public performances which he did for 3 years, he happened to be reminded of Helena again. And what is more, the part of the last email from her long before,as below quoted, came into his mind in sadness:

"Dear Inu..............I do not know how to express this any better than this.

I am no longer the person you remember. I am a sad, depressed, scared shell of what I used to be. Between the loss of my daughter and my husband I can barely leave my bed. Many days I do not wish to live. I have tried to convince myself otherwise. I have spent the past days in agony of this decision. But I cannot physically or mentally do something I am not capable of. I will always love you, and the people of Korea, and ask for God's forgiveness as well as yours. I do not expect it, I just beg for it. Love, Helena"

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His blaming of himself to be continued:

After so long, now do the words of hers abruptly strike me!

You did stop reading it muttering alone, " So long an excuse like this!"

Then she surprisingly did write the letters of 'Forgive her.'!

How much distressed she was actually, sending me the email?

With such miserable ｅxpressions in it!

No, you should have not keep silence to her last email in which she said,"I feel that I might embarrass you more by arriving in a weakened state and not being able to function as a bailaora. I cannot express in words alone how awful I feel and I understand if you never speak with me again".

Ah! How in the world could she do that? Sorry and sad!

Hey, Speak rather honestly. You did said to yourself with resentment against her: 'Alas! unavoidably I turn a liar now as she broke the appointment. I would rather run away to where nobody know me"

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Then the last email from Helena actually frightened him out of his sense.For a while could do nothing,trapped in a dillema. It was soon after the moment of complete comfusion that he persuaded Nadyne, Korean flamenco dancer to play the part for Helena. Of course ,he never let the former know the fact that she was a substitute performer. It was a surprising thing that the annual performances in Masan , with Nadyne as the main performer of it, was held successively for 3 years.

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His muttering to be continued again:

In the long end, my keeping silence resulted in a cold reply to her saying 'forgive me' !

It was absolutely your fault.

It is well deserved that the affair is ailing you.

Hey, you did drive her into a corner

Not reading the email as it was, you did put it aside.

You worried in full confusion about yourself and the difficult situation you would fall in. And you just passed the email over in silence.

It is of no use to to blame of yourself.

Now let bygones be bygones.

Hey, you fool!

You would rather find out something to do.

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